That Awkward Elephant in the Room

Flight of Man – Jackson Pollock – from the Museum of Fine Arts Boston

Serious post covering some sensitive topics here.

I needed to reset. Pornography had slowly taken control of my life. In January 2018, I finally decided to fight back.

Initially, my relationship with pornography was exciting. It energized me to get up in the morning. It empowered me to tap into deep desires. It distracted me from pain and worry. It relieved my stress. And it taught me things about myself and the world.

As I grew up, my old habits stayed the same. My relationship with porn habituated. We kept secrets to ourselves. I longed for it whenever I had a few minutes. Fantasies of blue-lit screens stung me and swarmed my attention. I planned my days around when we could spend time together.

But it was hindering me from the rest of my life. I often regretted surrendering control so willingly. I was fiending for a release instead of tapping into my desires. I was prioritizing porn over loved ones and ambitions. The spark of excitement had gone out.

The World is our Audience

When I would decide to watch porn, there was usually one point of “no return,” during which I decided to go all-in. At that point, I would ask myself:

"Do I want to be the person who did what I'm about to do?"

I thought that I only answered for myself. So, each time I answered, “sure, it’s fine.” If I chose it and approved of it, then my actions were good. I wasn’t hurting anyone. No one else was watching.

But my friends, the world is our audience. The habits, thoughts, and desires that we cultivate in private are those that emerge in public. Our private and public lives take place in the same story. No one else might know what I did in private, but they would soon interact with the person who did. They did not participate in the act, but they would see the direct effects on my mind, body, and soul.

If I crave lustfully in private, I am likely to crave lustfully in public. This is not the person I wanted to be.

I had two options: Whine about the world and pity myself as a victim. Or, change my behavior.

"You reap what you sow."
-Galatians (paraphrased)

Deciding to Stop

I decided to stop watching porn for six months. Six months turned into 14 months, to this day. The fight is not over, and I must stay vigilant. But I have regained control of my addiction.

I also did not masturbate for those 6 months. From January until July 2018, I reset my brain. I ripped apart its reliance on these habits so I could rebuild from the ground up.

For month five of six, my girlfriend (now fiancee) and I abstained from all sexual activity to reconnect with our faith. Even though I was with a partner when I decided to stop watching porn, “porn-induced masturbation” and “sex with a partner” are in different categories to me. The desire for porn is a unique and powerful category of addiction with many dangerous side effects.

My friends, removing pornography from my life was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I’ve ever done.

Results

I accomplished my goal and more. I am no longer a person who watches porn. And I was able to reestablish a healthy relationship with masturbation that does not rely on porn.

This was one of the hardest things that I’ve done. I faced severe cravings and flashbacks, especially in the first month. I doubted and second-guessed and lied to myself and struggled with moving forward. But after that first intense month, things started to balance out. The intensity of cravings and the frequency of flashbacks steadily decreased.

After six months, my body and mind stopped relying on pornography as a release. I completely transformed. Chemical imbalances evened out. I increased testosterone, energy, ambition, focus, sex drive, and stamina. God opened up to me spiritually, and my heart was ready to listen.

That inner voice now speaks clearly: “Do I want to be the person who did what I’m about to do?” I now answer, “No.”

I think porn is dangerous and addicting. Some people can handle it. But for many people who struggle with addiction, the first step is admitting that it’s a problem.

Need help? Send me a note and we can chat about my experience.

"You should be able to do things that you wouldn't do."
-Jordan Peterson
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What traveling teaches

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Day one in Vietnam, 2018-11-18

Walk in a straight line at a consistent pace and do not hesitate. Eat eat eat. Smile a lot. Show respect. Be aware. Explore side streets. Ask questions.

Most importantly, take responsibility for yourself and conduct yourself appropriately, no matter the surroundings.

But my favorite: do something new and uncomfortable each day.

These are some things that traveling teaches. Lest we forget that every day is an adventure, no matter the surroundings.

Have you ever seen the same car twice?

 

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Northern Virginia, 2018

Have you ever seen the same car twice? How did you know? It’s likely you remembered the license plate.

License plates have great marketing potential. It’s only around $30 a month to maintain a custom 6-8 digit message on a license plate.

You can bring awareness to your personal or business brand at a low cost.

Which would I pick?

BEAWOLF
B3AW0LF
B3AW07F
133AW07F

I’ll think of something.

License plates are awesome.

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May 20, 2017 — Cruising to the (west) coast

I really like license plates. They give cars a fun extra bit of uniqueness.

I often imagine what states people come from, why they’re here, and where they’re going. Especially if they seem out of place.

How is a Hawaii plate in the continental US? Or a European plate? Some questions don’t have answers.

But this one does. Did you know: I recently discovered that rental car agencies will often have cars with out-of-state license plates. Agencies re-allocate their supply due to shifting demand for certain car models in certain areas and times of the year. This explains why I get the impression of more out-of-state drivers driving to and from the airport…

Gratitude to the heroes

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“Grandpa’s 104th”

Heroes deserve encouragement and love before, during, and after their journeys. Veterans are examples of such heroes. They often leave the safety of home to seek out the unknown and bring order to chaos.

When we spend most of our lives stationary and digitized, we often forget how fast life moves around us. How quickly a fire can spread or an ambush can explode.

Check in on someone who may need you today.

Thank you to veterans everywhere.

What’s better than the open road?

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A momentous day on Sugarloaf Mountain, MD in 2017

A friend once asked me, what’s better than driving with nothing ahead of you but the open road?

I replied, maybe when I’m trailing someone ahead of me. That way, they’d get pulled over for speeding if there’s a cop. And, I can draft off of their slipstream and save gas. And, I don’t need to worry about directions.

Maybe I missed the point.

We face a multitude of existential possibility each day. When you go alone, you could get pulled over, or run out of gas, or get lost.

If that open road scares you, then find a mentor who’s driving fast to trail behind. Once you get enough experience (at least 55,555 miles), you can pull away and find your own open road.

We can use our self-worth equation as an ethical signpost.

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Biking, circa 2018

Purpose emerges from activities. Which activities create a valuable purpose? Extend our idea of self-worth to a combination of four ethical tools. When searching for a purpose, start with these.

If Self-Worth = (Self-Understanding X Ability to Influence X Giving Usefulness / Redundancy), then apply as follows:

1. Understanding: Integrate habits into greater narratives
2. Influence: Search for treasures and fight off demons
3. Usefulness: Teach others of their value
4. Uniqueness: Reframe old ideas into modern frameworks

Start with good enough and make it a habit.

What is our value? How about our self-worth?

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Mae Taeng Jungle – December 17, 2014. Here we see the magnificent elephant bushwhacking through her natural habitat.

What’s our Value?
Marketplace Value = (Experience X Skills X Demand / Supply)

What about Self-Worth?

1. Increase Experience = Understand your habits and tendencies
2. Increase Skills = Influence your surroundings more effectively
3. Increase Demand = Give people something useful
4. Decrease Supply = Differentiate yourself

Self-Worth = (Self-Understanding X Ability to Influence X Giving Usefulness / Redundancy)

Everyone should take 5 minutes tomorrow and give gratitude for the self-worth they have and the opportunity to improve it.

Put vegetables on your plate

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Sunset in Oland, Sweden – 2014

I am naturally open-minded, spontaneous, and adaptable. I operate most effectively when I have all the information in front of me. This means: “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Suppose we have vegetables with a short shelf life. I have to put them in the front of the fridge. I’ll forget to eat them if I don’t see them.

This is fine for perishable foods in a refrigerator. But what about tasks? Strategic objectives? People?

I manage daily, weekly, monthly, and annual tasks on a Trello board. I allocate calendar time to strategizing about long-term goals. I set recurring reminders to catch up with people. I recommend you do the same.

I will eat the vegetables if I see them on my plate.

In the unknown, I also have Time.

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Ergometer, 11/5/2018

I push a bit harder every day.

If I multiply myself by 1.01 of discomfort tomorrow, I’ll be fine.

If I do it again two days from now, same thing.

If I multiply yourself by 1.01 of discomfort every day for a year, I’ll be almost 3,700% further along in my hero’s journey than if I had floated along passively. So I start with small improvements and love the improvement process. Doing this enables me to move more effectively through the unknown.