Three Life Lessons From: My first job

When I graduated from school, I had no clue what my occupation would be. I spent six months applying to 30+ jobs in software before getting one interview.

While I was applying, I worked part time as a waiter at a local restaurant. I learned some valuable things there:

1. A transaction is an exchange of value, but value comes in many forms. In a restaurant, a customer pays for more than food. They pay to relax. They pay to choose what they want. Or, they pay to not need to choose. They pay to feel empowered. This lesson is important because I am now more open-minded about why people pay for things. People don’t just pay for a widget. They get value from how that widget makes them feel.

2. Empathy leads to a glass half full perspective. Opening my first wine bottle at a table was the most nerve-wracking thing ever. My hands shook as I spilled wine on the table. Another time, I tripped while walking a tray of water glasses out to the patio. The whole thing drenched a man with his kids. But in both cases, instead of responding with anger, the customers gave empathy. They were patient and understanding. They didn’t dig their nails into the obvious mistake I had made. I actually ended up having nicer, longer conversations with them. On the other hand, there were other customers who found any tiny thing about which to complain. They treated me like a servant to deliver their messages to the kitchen and get some free meals. These people went in with negativity and dragged everyone through the mud to fill their agenda. These people were simply forgettable.

3. The boss sets the tone in a business. The general manager dictated the sentiment of the employees. When he cracked open a bottle of scotch to celebrate after a busy Saturday, the mood was high. When he snapped at waiters for their mistakes, everyone else got tense and bickered at each other. The engine driving us to work came from the culture we shared. This culture came from mostly the tone of the boss.

In the end, restaurant work was not for me. I ended up working at another restaurant part time a few years later, which took my learnings to a whole different level.

Staying In Touch, August 2018

In August, 2018, I realized that I need to do a better job keeping in touch with colleagues: both my friends and professionals. I listened to a podcast Manager/Career Tools about networking and decided to use some tools to help me network, instead of just letting luck and vicinity dictate who I talk to.

Photo by Hello I’m Nik 🎞 on Unsplash

I set recurring reminders on my calendar to keep in touch with folks every few months. When I get the reminder, I send out a message. Or if I delay, I just shift around the event or push it back. Of course I leave spontaneity open; if I end up talking to someone prior to their next reminder, I just shift the following reminders to start from there.

This works for both personal and professional networks. I often add new people to the list to keep in touch. I also write down people’s birthdays when I hear them. It’s nice to receive a birthday wish nowadays. I can’t rely on Facebook for birthdays anymore, since my generation uses Facebook less.

Staying in touch with friends is great. Our lives are so busy all the time. But I hate that word “busy”. We have so much stress and urgency from the immediate surroundings that we don’t step back and consider the non-urgent, meaningful things.

Set a recurring reminder and reach out. They’ll appreciate the thought.

Three Life Lessons From: Traveling

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Somewhere in Beijing, CN, 2014

I traveled through Europe and Asia after graduating from college. I visited Sweden, Ireland, England, then Denmark. I wanted to continue south and east, but a family matter brought me back to the US. I had earned some money and received a graduation gift to travel from my grandmother. After arriving home, I had some money left over. So, I went to China for five weeks, then Thailand for two more weeks.

Traveling was AWESOME. I felt full of creativity, energy, and drive. Going in, all I wanted was to find an epiphany about my purpose in life. Instead, I learned three lessons:

1. There is no epiphany

Nothing came to me in a dream telling me how to live my life. Instead, I decided I must build upon experiences, step by step. Staying open and hungry will allow me to form myself into what I’m meant to be. Deciding what to do without a guide is the longer, harder, but more meaningful road than following a pre-determined path.

2. We are more similar than we are different

Throughout my travels, I met so many amazing people. I could easily communicate with most, but with some there was a language barrier making it harder. But I still made a variety of friends. One of the most meaningful experiences was befriending a man visiting the Terracotta Warriors outside of Xi’an, China. He spoke no English, and I spoke no Chinese. Typically, I would avoid him because understanding each other would be too difficult. But somehow we gestured and smiled our way through the entire museum tour together. We ended up having lunch together after. He showed me pictures of his daughter. I showed him pictures of my family. It was deeply meaningful. I cherish that memory.

3. I yearn to learn new things

When I put myself into an environment without a plan, I found out what I value. Each day is a blank slate, ready for any possibility. I realized that I love to walk and explore, rather than skipping to a destination. I explored back alleys, met up with strangers, and climbed mountains. I downed a fifth while watching fishermen clean their catches in Wuhan, China. I cheered on a hurling match in Cork, Ireland. I created my own log-lifting and rock-carrying workouts in Öland, Sweden. I biked for hours and watched the planes take off in Copenhagen, Denmark. Every moment brought myself closer to living the present and realizing that I love to encounter the unknown.


Here’s the full list of my notes from Europe:

Sweden:

  • There are free salad bars at many restaurants.
  • Carbonated water and coca cola rule the beverage industry.
  • Swedes tend to be less pious (with exceptions), and the family I stayed with had not as much knowledge about Christianity (of which I realized I had ample knowledge).
  • The school system is free.
  • The political parties are much “lefter” than American parties. The two big coalitions are the conservative liberals (incumbent) and the social democrats.
  • Aside: I have now deemed “Swedish workouts” all workouts involving only large rocks or logs.
  • There are a ton of bikes and clearly marked bike lanes. Very few helmets. Even saw a girl with high heels biking in Stockholm.
  • The only place from which one may purchase alcohol over ~4% alcohol is a government merchant store named “System Bolaget.” One must be 16 to drink beer and 18 for wine and spirits, and must be 20 to buy alcohol.
  • There are two major supermarket chains (ICA owns about 50% of supermarket market) and COOP, and there are only a few others.
  • There are potatoes or potato products with practically every meal.
  • There aren’t many police officers patrolling around. On the other hand, there are more public cameras.
  • Similarly, I never saw an officer on the road with a speed gun, but there are speed cameras with conspicuous signs indicating their presence and admonishing drivers.
  • Kids learn English in school starting in the first few years.
  • It rains a lot.
  • Swedish people are generally really attractive.
  • There are many more VWs, Volvox, Audis, and Mercedes Benzes, for whatever reason.
  • Public transit is fantastic. The trains better shield outside noise.
  • There is public land in the non-cities. This should not be confused with the type of land that a government or corporation owns but is named “public.” This legitimately public land is just land, and sometimes cattle range throughout these areas that are surrounded by electrical fence and gates openable with opposable thumbs.
  • Öland looks like the child of Kansas and Maine. Alternately, it looks like what I imagined Rohan would look like.
  • Alcohol has much less of a negative or sensitive cultural stigma.
  • There are Blood Donating centers ubiquitously located throughout Stockholm and in higher-populated towns.
  • Stockholm beggars are predominant Old Romanian ladies.
  • Swearing is allowed on the radio. English swears are generally uncensored, from what I noticed.
  • There is less censorship. Shops and pictures show nudity, and sex shops are not veiled from prying streetside eyes.
  • Many simple services are automatic. That’s not unique to Sweden of course, but I’ve never bought movie tickets from a self-service machine at the theater before.
  • Many things throughout Stockholm’s history have burnt down and been rebuilt.
  • People in Stockholm walk slower than those in most American cities.
  • Many of the statues in Stockholm are stylistically Greek. Some depict Greek and Roman figures.
  • There is a seemingly universally Swedish vocal expression: A sharp inhale “huh” (onomatopoeia) meaning “yeah” or “okay.”

Denmark:

  • Tivoli- both Stockholm and Copenhagen have an amusement/theme park inside the city. And they’re amazing. We went to Copenhagen Tivoli, though.
  • There’s no law prohibiting open containers of alcohol in public areas.
  • Anyone may walk through the palace square.

London:

  • People drive on the left (a revelation).
  • London is noticeably diverse.
  • Speaker’s Corner at the northeast corner of Hyde Park. Anyone can speak openly here, and listeners and hecklers alike come to browse, behold, and engage in verbal intercourse with the orators. Most of the conversation is passionate, radical, eloquent, and intellectual. True Sophists and Socratics at work. I more enjoyed the pure awe I felt at the power of rhetoric than the content of the speeches. Such social dynamics were incredibly entertaining to witness. I asked one soap-box about overpopulation and he took the conversation on a magical journey of speech and language. It was amazing. I almost missed my flight because I was so enamored with a scene of a proclaimed fascist dressed in purchased military garb with a Hitler mustache arguing in support of state, institution, and racism. But it was more than that. It was a beautiful argument. And other speakers entered the fray, making both form and content of the discussion so rich and complex…

Ireland:

  • Dublin:
  • Pubs all last names
  • Rains all the time
  • Live music and drinks all day served in Temple Bar
  • The Irish are a hard people- stoic. A hard-working people. Those with experience, who can bear the load.
  • Music is usually covers of popular songs. Generally in an Irish rock style.
  • Green plots of land, rock walls, rock buildings, cows, sheep, horses, vines, rolling hills, mountains in the distance…it’s beautiful.
  • Galway:
  • Want a pint custom
  • University cheap
  • Narrow roads in city, or wide
  • 12 point system of speeding
  • Police known as the Garda or Gardi
  • Off License stores sell alcohol
  • Lashing = pouring
  • Crack = good time (gonna be a crack)
  • Mad = crazy
  • Boot = back of the car

Europe:

  • Cheers while looking at one another in the eyes

Doolin, Ireland:

  • Everyone waves and greets

Killarney, Ireland:

  • Something about Irish music. From Doolin.
  • Elbow pipe, strings, songs about work and hardship
  • Irish time, Irish distance.
  • Multiple spellings?
  • Many local, old traditions! Pilgrimage, goat worship… Etc
  • Irish sports are HUGE: GAA big organization keeping Gaelic and community alive- Irish football, Hurling, Soccer, Rugby

Cork, Ireland:

  • Signs signifying space or fullness of parking lots way prior to the lot
  • Paddy at the hosel talk… Ireland was very religious until the 1980s. Britain counterpart, Gaelic, Boston Irish/Italian, religious still (Catholic)
  • St Patrick didn’t bring Christianity, he brought Rome to Ireland. Christianity was in Ireland 200 years prior.
  • Everyone celebrates St. Patty’s day!
  • Ireland is a country searching for its identity. It has typically championed everything non-British, but now, what do they have?
  • Everyone knows where the best pubs are. And the music!
  • Ireland- pay 20 cents to use bathroom at bus station???
  • Ireland is closer culturally to countries like Spain and Italy because of the Atlantic winds and boat travels
  • All of Ireland: cars will be “clamped” = towed?
  • Belfast (could be most Europe): Street signs on buildings only
  • Parking on the sidewalk in the burbs
  • Humps for ___ mile
  • Picture of deadend: “T”
  • Northern Ireland still going through conflict about being in the UK. Streets in Belfast separated by a peace wall. Loyalists vs Republicans. Last attack in 1997 after a truce. Any small thing could set it off.

Liverpool, England

  • Scouse is the type of person from Liverpool- hard to understand.
  • Beatles shit everywhere- milking it
  • Vegetables is “salad”
  • Football is HUGE here
  • Young people in Liverpool- 3 big universities
  • Won cultural capital of the world 2008
  • Won ugliest building built in 2009
  • Shipping is huge
  • Liver is the city bird, but doesn’t exist
  • Titanic built here or Belfast?
  • Merchants contributed to slave trade
  • Liverpool has been the key to the Atlantic
  • Way more socialism here and Australia
  • People wait for crossing signals
  • Scotland is voting for independence on the 18th of September

Wales, UK

  • There are more sheep than people
  • Requirements for a town to become a city: cathedral and university

Copenhagen, DE

  • Biking in Copenhagen is the most fun ever. So nice
  • Copenhagen metro is unmanned, automated! Every 4 minutes. And recently opened.
  • Metro – clipcards for zonage, or “check ins”, and metro police and fines (risk but worth the card?)
  • New bike bridge
  • Polite but free and open people
  • Laws are VERY liberal. Open containers, pee anywhere (but decently)

Three Life Lessons From: College

I learned about an effective way to map out the future by looking into the past from my colleague, Dave Kerwar (thank you!). I’m a nomad, there’s excitement in not knowing the road ahead. But I need to set goals or else I’ll wander off somewhere I don’t want to be.

When we moved two years ago to a new city and a new job, I had no idea what to expect. But if I could pinpoint where I was now, I could map one step ahead to where I wanted to be. Doing so would enable me to use this new opportunity to help me get there.

So, I thought to myself, what have I learned at every stage of my life? At Hamilton College, I learned:

1. How to question assumptions

I talked to many fascinating people about complex topics: journeys, presentness, perspective, pain, spirit, and world. I had to think hard to keep up with smarter people. One-on-one conversations were the best. Like many other conversations, spending hours with a friend questioning the legitimacy of things we take for granted caused me to see the world in a fresh way. I walked home and saw new life in everything around me. Does that tree exist before I notice it? What does that mean about myself? I followed these threads, dove into deep ideas, and practiced questioning everything.

2. How to use logic

I majored in Mathematics and Philosophy, the combination of which I view as logic. In Math we spent most of our time assuming stuff and using those things to prove other stuff. In Philosophy, I learned how we can and should assume anything, because everything should be questioned. I play with assumptions, prove more things, and see what happens. For example, let’s assume that I have free will, even if everything appears deterministic. As a result, I gain confidence in taking responsibility. That’s a good result. Free will may be an illusion, but it could be a beneficial one. As a result of this practice, I can better use logic to question and seek truth in ideas.

3. The power of a team

I rowed on the Crew team. We would sweat and bleed together. Individuals would fight and disagree, but we all worked toward winning together. In some moments, I truly felt that our team achieved something greater than the sum of our individuals. There’s an experience in rowing when all rowers are perfectly in sync: the boat starts floating on top of the water and every ounce of effort compounds into more and more speed. This is the rower’s version of nirvana. We achieved that heavenly state only a few seconds in all four years. By living this, I know that a team can accomplish superhumanly things by working toward a common goal.

10 minutes.

Photo by Wilhelm Gunkel on Unsplash

It’s been a few weeks since I posted. I was planning a post about finding the right activity to fill 10 minutes of spare time in between activities, work, etc. 10 minutes is too short to dive into a deep activity, but too long to sit there and wait for the next one. How fascinating: trying to fill the time? You know you should read or meditate or walk but typically you just browse Instagram or Youtube or some other mindless filler. What a predicament.

On September 2nd, 2020, my grandmother died unexpectedly. We were close. It’s been a rough time for my family, but we’re doing ok. Nanita was 80 years strong. We just expected more time from her because she was so energetic, compassionate, and generous with her love. It was too soon. There are too many unanswered questions.

She was living alone and finally called for an ambulance after being in pain for days without eating. 10 minutes after arriving to the hospital, she had her first heart attack. They induced her into a coma. The next day, she suffered her second heart attack and last breaths. Officially, she died of sepsis and colitis.

Fuck. She had 10 minutes from arriving to the hospital until her first heart attack, putting her out of consciousness and into a coma from which she never woke.

So, if you had 10 minutes, what would you do?

This is a tough one for me, because I’m notoriously long-sighted. I’m a firm believer in living like you would live forever, until you don’t. It’s a balance between life and death.

When I imagine dying, I imagine two scenarios. One, I get killed instantly in some horrifying accident; or I get so destructively maimed that I’m a goner for sure. Second, I get cancer and realize I have a limited time on earth: but in months or years or weeks.

But… fuck, 10 minutes?

What if someone said you would die in 10 minutes? What a brutal amount of time. I could only hope to be so strong as to handle that news.

I would freak the fuck out for a while. Then I hope I would settle myself:

In minute 5, I would thank my family and friends for being so unconditionally loving.

Copy that for minute 6.

In minute 7, I would reflect on my experiences in life that really mattered. Those crazy, mind-blowing things. The things that made me breathe deep breaths. The things that reminded me how real I am.

In minute 8, I would thank God for giving me the opportunity to live a life as someone so fortunate and lucky with so much love.

In the 9th and last minute, I would embrace the pain and impending darkness head-on. I would do my best to push for my next state of being with hope, falling into chaos

The day God reached me

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Photo by Joakim Honkasalo on Unsplash

In June, 2018, I had a supernatural experience.

For a few months before, I had begun to explore the Bible with fresh eyes. But up until that day, God and religion were still intellectual pursuits. That changed in one day.

As part of the service, hundreds in the massive auditorium started praying together: some silently, some aloud. We were sitting, packed to other in the middle of the room. A few people cried out to God, sobbing, reciting lines, asking for forgiveness, and thanking him for his grace. I held my Bible in my hands and closed my eyes. I focused on my prayer.

Then two things happened.

I perceived my Bible grow in width in between my hands. The book seemed to expand between my hands, even though separately my arms felt in the same location. The book was expanding right and left, like into a different dimension. It was filling the space with unimaginable depth. I felt the importance of these words.

Second, my mind began to grow distant from my surroundings. I was falling backwards from reality. I perceived myself slip further away. A great distance was opening between the edge of my senses to where I was. The chasm grew in depth and weight to a point to which I could not measure it. I began to lose touch with my senses and reality opened up to me within myself.

With my eyes closed, I saw a vision of a light blue wire connecting from the top of my spine upwards. It curved up hundreds of feet and forward into a great presence, a light, a cloud, something up there. I saw many other blue wires connecting to that top point from everyone else worshiping in the room.


In both cases, I felt warm and filled with purpose. I wasn’t afraid… not exactly. I was awe-struck; filled with wonder at these two parts of my experience. Eventually, I arose back into reality with a fresh respect for life.

These visions and experiences were as original as I can guess. It’s hard for me to explain where I may have gotten the “inspiration” or been “imprinted” by them. So, as much as I can tell, I had a legitimate, lucid, spiritual experience. In my own way, I was touched by God.

After that day, my spirituality shifted from an intellectual exercise to a fundamental life journey.

More names = more power – OGB #5 Babylonian Genesis by Alexander Heidel

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c3/Chaos_Monster_and_Sun_God.png

Enuma Elish is a Babylonian creation story that outlines a god Marduk who destroys an evil dragon, saves the day, and earns dominion over all the other gods. To transcend the other gods, Marduk incorporates their names and powers into his own being. The only way to really capture the essence of Marduk is to say his 50+ names. These names and what they symbolize are literally the best things in the world.

To earn similar powers, we can embody Marduk in our daily life. We can go out and courageously fight evil. Find the dragon, slay it, earn the treasure, save the town, and then go do it again.

We can clearly see similarities between the following attributes and the attributes of the Christian God that came along after Babylon and Enuma Elish. This is a fascinating precursor to modern religions and world-views. The language we use today to describe the most powerful things has been around for centuries. This fact gives us a perspective of awe at our ancestors: they were more creative than we give them credit for. And we owe more respect to how their ideas have shaped our world.

(all quoted from “The Babylonian Genesis” by Alexander Heidel)

Come, let us proclaim [Marduk’s] fifty names! …

The provider of pasture land and drinking places, who fills their stalls with plenty;

Who with his weapon, the rain flood, overcame the enemies;

Who saved the gods his fathers in distress…

At his command let there be creation, destruction, alleviation, mercy

(Heidel)

Then all of Marduk’s other names are now listed with their specialties: some are below. These names and what they symbolize are the most powerful things in the world. I bolded similarities between the names and the names of the modern Christian God.

Marrukka verily is the god, the creator of everything;

Namtillaku, the god who restores to life;

Namshub; the bright god who brightens our way.

Asaru, the bestower of arable land, the creator of grain and legumes,

Asaralimnunna, the mighty one,

Tutu, the author of their restoration;

No one among the gods can equal him.

Ziukinna, the life of the host of the gods;

Ziku, the maintainer of purification;

The god of the good breath (of life), the lord who hears and answers (prayer);

The creator of riches and plenty, the establisher of abundance;

Who has turned all our wants into plenty;

Agaku, the lord of the holy incantation, who restores to life the dead;

Who created mankind to set them free;

Shazu, who knows the hearts of the gods, who sees through the innermost parts;

From whom the evildoer cannot escape;

The administrator of justice, who puts an end to crooked speech;

Who in his place discerns falsehood and truth.

Epadun, the lord who waters the field;

The ruler of heaven (and) earth,

Gilma, the bond that holds the family together,

Agilma, the sublime,

Nibiru shall be in control of the passages in heaven and on earth,

May he shepherd all the gods like sheep.

Let (man) rejoice in Marduk,

Reliable is his word, unalterable his command;

The utterance of his mouth no god whatever can change.

(Heidel)

Marduk speaks with the power of creation and authority. Everything else comes from his ability to speak into being. This is a reminder that our own words have the power to create or destroy, so use them wisely!

My rules of engagement

Bryce Canyon, Utah, July 2018

In July of 2018, I got engaged. Six months earlier, this was not a possibility.

I wasn’t ready for marriage for a long time. But it was hard to articulate why not. I finally decided on three things that would make me ready.

  1. We must tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets. Have trust and openness through vulnerability. Trust is the bedrock of a good relationship. If you cannot tell your spouse your deepest secrets and thoughts, who can you tell? To truly become one, you must fuse all that you have: strengths and weaknesses. If we hold back, this could cause trust issues in the future.
  2. Earn independence from others around us, even family. We must operate on our own and choose to be us, wherever we go. We must be able to be a distinct unit. We must make our own decisions as full adults rather than relying too much on family ties. Often, an over-emphasis on outside forces rather than the relationship can sow discontent. Love for family comes from choice, not from obligation.
  3. Finances go into one shared bucket: not two, but one. What affects one of us affects both of us. We must be able to talk about money and value before getting married. That way, we get those ideas out in the open. Finances cause most of divorces, so why don’t we talk about these ideas first before we make that commitment.

In reality, we made the goals concrete by writing them down. Then we accomplished them together. She was especially excited to tackle tasks that were concrete. Before, we were floating along with no direction, not knowing if we were getting closer to commitment or further.

After accomplishing the tasks, I stood by my word. I could think of no other reason to delay marriage other than my own fear of the unknown and the change that would be required to adapt to it. But change can be good.

I did more than resolve the reasons why I did not want to get married. In fact, I learned reasons why I wanted to: gains beyond one person could ever achieve:

  • Self knowledge and self-improvement
  • Touched by the divine, following our ancestors’ path
  • Paying respects to our ancestors
  • Following in the ancestors’ path by tying ourselves to another
  • Love beyond passion: the love that stays when lust is gone

So, we jumped in. Here’s to one year and many more to come.

Back to the beginning: Reality From Language – OGB #4 Genesis by Robert Alter

Reality is how we talk about it. In times of chaos and change, it’s helpful to backtrack to some fundamental order and start over. Genesis (translated by Robert Alter 039331670X) is one example we can read to remind ourselves what’s real.

Bottom Line Up Front

What if reality is a chaos soup: cells and atoms bouncing around. Humans evolved to survive and thrive in the chaos soup over many lifespans. To do this, the collective consciousness of humanity started to recognize patterns in the chaos. They did this by bootstrapping a biological tool: language.

This tool gave the emergent human collective brain a way to set order from the chaos. Humans recognized the cells and atoms consistently bouncing around into a drinkable source of water. We named “stream” as a “drinkable source of water.” This shared understanding gave power to each individual within the collective to navigate the world using “streams” for drinking water and finding fish. This ability is so powerful and so unlikely that it seems God-given. Genesis explains the origin of reality as the use of language. Furthermore, the text relies on the same tool to communicate itself down through generations of humans.

Example

In Genesis, God speaks reality. In the first six days, God creates things. The biblical text follows a structure of God “saying” things, then God saying the words, which results in: “so it was.” Creation comes from speaking into being.

“And God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered in one place so that the dry land will appear,” and so it was.” (Alter, 4)

Since the steps of “saying” and “so it was” are separated by an “and,” it’s not clear whether God does two actions or one. It seems as though the speaking suffices without any other action. Speaking is the magic here: by invoking language to call a pattern of chaotic soup into a name which can then interact with other named things. Humans can then navigate this system of named representations much better than the chaos soup.

Every word has meaning and contributes to reality. How we use language builds our world. Being honest and speaking truth builds a more durable reality.

Was language the reason why reality exists as it does to us today? Could God use any other tool to create this reality other than language?

What I learned from (almost) 1 year of marriage

Bali, circa 2019

My one year wedding anniversary is coming up. What have I learned in (almost) 1 year of marriage?

We’ve grown in our love for each other. We made the right decision for us. We face challenges and joys every day. Relationships require mutual, active effort to be successful. These are common learnings.

There are three less obvious things I noticed:

1. Generally, people give a higher baseline of respect to a married person than to a single person. We think a married person is a bit less likely to be a crazy psycho, because someone else has latched onto them for life. Who would latch onto a crazy psycho? It’s one less thing to worry about when meeting someone who’s married. That’s a benefit because now I have less to prove in new interactions.

2. Others expect that we consult each other on big decisions now. Before, I rarely heard “Are you dating? Why don’t you get back to us after you ask your girlfriend?” Why do that if there’s no legal basis for me asking her, other than being on the same page in my relationship? She wouldn’t have the legal rights and privileges to represent me. But now, what’s mine is hers and hers is mine. So any decision for the family must come from both of us. So now there’s an expectation when I hear: “Oh, you’re married? Why don’t you get back to us after you ask your wife?” This expectation affects how we make choices. I’m more used to consulting her on even smaller items now, which is positive because it encourages more open communication and decision-making.

3. We aren’t that old couple in the diner that sits in silence, enjoying each other’s company without talking. They don’t say anything because there’s nothing else to talk about. They’ve already discussed all topics and ideas and events. For us, that’s not the case. We are always experiencing new situations and growing as individuals, and we experience these changes together. Our conversations have continued to deepen as we explore the world together. We talk about injustice, travel, and plants.

The world has no shortage of novelty that we take on together. Life is a learning adventure, and I’m still at the starting line.