spirituality

joakim-honkasalo-ssvjJLB6wIw-unsplash — Photo by Joakim Honkasalo on Unsplash

In June, 2018, I had a supernatural experience.

For a few months before, I had begun to explore the Bible with fresh eyes. But up until that day, God and religion were still intellectual pursuits. That changed in one day.

As part of the service, hundreds in the massive auditorium started praying together: some silently, some aloud. We were sitting, packed to other in the middle of the room. A few people cried out to God, sobbing, reciting lines, asking for forgiveness, and thanking him for his grace. I held my Bible in my hands and closed my eyes. I focused on my prayer.

Then two things happened.

I perceived my Bible grow in width in between my hands. The book seemed to expand between my hands, even though separately my arms felt in the same location. The book was expanding right and left, like into a different dimension. It was filling the space with unimaginable depth. I felt the importance of these words.

Second, my mind began to grow distant from my surroundings. I was falling backwards from reality. I perceived myself slip further away. A great distance was opening between the edge of my senses to where I was. The chasm grew in depth and weight to a point to which I could not measure it. I began to lose touch with my senses and reality opened up to me within myself.

With my eyes closed, I saw a vision of a light blue wire connecting from the top of my spine upwards. It curved up hundreds of feet and forward into a great presence, a light, a cloud, something up there. I saw many other blue wires connecting to that top point from everyone else worshiping in the room.

In both cases, I felt warm and filled with purpose. I wasn’t afraid… not exactly. I was awe-struck; filled with wonder at these two parts of my experience. Eventually, I arose back into reality with a fresh respect for life.

These visions and experiences were as original as I can guess. It’s hard for me to explain where I may have gotten the “inspiration” or been “imprinted” by them. So, as much as I can tell, I had a legitimate, lucid, spiritual experience. In my own way, I was touched by God.

After that day, my spirituality shifted from an intellectual exercise to a fundamental life journey.

Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash

In April 2018, I began to pray. I had never really tried that hard to pray before. I had learned to pray before meals and pray before bed. Both of which are important. But the words I was reciting felt empty and meaningless. Inspired by Pastor David Platt and my renewed interest in spirituality, I began praying more intentionally. I tried a different approach.

I started to speak from my heart with meaning. I did not ask for things I want, rather I asked for guidance. And before asking for anything, I submitted myself to gratitude. I said, “Thank you, God. I am so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. I don’t deserve any of this, and yet you’ve chosen me.” When I pray, I hear an echo in reply. I don’t know from where the echo responds. But the voice guides me when I submit my weakness and ask for help. It gives me answers and hard truths.

God is many things to many people. I changed from asking for things I don’t have, to thankfulness for what I already have. This is because I realized who I was talking to: God. Jordan Peterson put it best in his conversation with Sam Harris. I understand the gravity and magnificence of God in these terms:

God is how we imaginatively and collectively represent the existence of an action of consciousness across time; as the most real aspects of existence manifest themselves across the longest of time-frames but are not necessarily apprehensible as objects in the here and now…

So God is that which eternally dies and is reborn in the pursuit of higher being and truth. That’s a fundamental element of the hero mythology.

God is the highest value in the hierarchy of values; that’s another way of looking at it.

God is what calls and what responds in the eternal call to adventure.

God is the voice of conscience.

God is the source of judgment, mercy, and guilt.

God is the future to which we make sacrifices and something akin to the transcendental repository of reputation.

Here’s a cool one if you’re an evolutionary biologist. God is that which selects among men in the eternal hierarchy of men.

-Jordan Peterson, https://youtu.be/jey_CzIOfYE

Since I’m still early on in my spiritual journey, I am interested in my own relationship with God through prayer. I’m not interested in telling everyone else what to do. In my personal experience, my prayer resulted in newfound patience, self-integration, and optimism.

I became more patient because I stopped asking for things that I wasn’t getting. Instead, I asked for guidance and strength in the face of difficulty. And even then, I knew that the world could crash down on my family and me in an instant. Through it all, I would get what I need, not what I want. This meant that I learned patience. Usually, I demanded results and progress. But I soon discovered that I often don’t know what’s best for me. And I receive what’s best slowly.

I became more self-integrated. As I spoke from my heart, I said whatever came naturally. That is genuinely what we care about – not what we want ourselves to care about. I began to notice the things that bubble up to my thoughts, but I don’t flesh out. Maybe because I’m embarrassed about them. Instead, I give them to God through prayer. And when I put them into words, God accepts them and replies with an answer. In this way, I accept myself as speaking these words, because God accepts me. I could say what I think is the worst thing, but if God responds and accepts me regardless, then I can own this part of me without ignoring or suppressing it. In this way, I can integrate the not-so-good parts of me and control them, instead of suppressing them and risking that they overcome me.

Lastly, I have a newfound optimism. So far, I’ve shared the deepest thoughts of my heart to God, and he still calls me forward. In this way, I know that there’s nothing that I can do that will separate us. Of course, I’ll make mistakes as I search for the best path toward the good life. Calamity will happen and test or break my will. But I can rest assured that I will not be alone through the adventure.

I should pray about the things that I don’t understand because I need help in those areas. If I pray the same way every time, and I ask questions that I know the answer to, I don’t gain anything. By digging deep and intentionally building a relationship to God through prayer, I have more patience, self-integration, and optimism.